Emotional Roller Coaster

Fri Jan 28th- I finally was becoming myself again & now fully aware. The hardest part throuh all of this was I hadnt realized that I had no memory. I felt like I was going crazy.  I remember Ryan & I going to the NICU to visit Dylan. The nurse asked me if I would like to breastfeed. I got excited & told her yes I had never tried before, Ryan then told me I did it the day before. There were several incidents like this that made me realize that something was wrong with me. How did Ryan all of the sudden learn how to take care of Dylan? Why did each nurse I met in the NICU already know me? I had all these questions in my head but was scared to ask Ryan. I finally asked my mom and sister a few days later. They filled me in on everything that had happened. It was nice to know I wasnt crazy! Its funny to look back at my FB post those days. They make complete sense but yet I have no memory of posting them or any memories of the visitors I had.

The Dr's decided to keep me another day because my blood pressure was still high. After having high hopes that Dylan would be realesed soon, he got a fever of 100.7  They put him on 2 types of antibiotics viral & bacteria just to cover any & everything that may have caused it. At this point Ryan & I decided Dyan could not have any visitors ( we had already restricted it to immdiate family) We could not risk him catching any type of illness. Dr's also did a spinal tap to try to figure what had caused fever. ( apparently this is a common procedure on preemies) There was blood in the spinal tap results which prompted Dr's to do a head ultrasound. Every test came back negative. although after the head scan they said he could have had a cyst or small hemorrhage in his head. Although it sounds bad they assured us if it was either it was not permanent & would resolve on its own. They would be level one & quite common in these situations. We would never find out if it was either of those for sure just a possibility. During this time of all the testing and antibiotics, Dylan started to eat less.  His health was back to normal, but now his lack of feeding was keeping us in the hospital. The dr's needed to see him consistantly finish his bottle at each feeding for 24 hours before we could go home.( I should mention the magnesium drip I had been on slows down milk production.  I was breastfeeding only a few tiimes a day & supplementing with formula until my supply came in.)  They decided to give him a feeding tube. They would use the tube anytime he didnt finish his bottle.
The most upsetting part of having a child in the NICU is coming in everyday & seeing a new tube or IV hooked to them. I cried almost everytime I saw him. It upset me to see his IV in his head or monitors hooked to his body. Its something I never would get used to.

Sat Jan 29th- I was released from hospital after 6 days. Ryan & I are staying at the Ronald Mcdonald House ( located in hospital) so we can be close to Dylan.
Sun Jan 30th - Dylan is starting to show improvement on his feedings but not being consistant. Today is my baby shower hosted by Ryans famly. I was very sad that I couldnt go but happpy that they still had it & so many people came. Barbara & Dawnyel did an awesome job!

These past days in the NICU were a emotional roller coaster for me. I dont think I have ever cried so much in my life. Even though I knew Dylan was going to be fine, I couldnt help but be upset everytime we walked into the room with all the monitors & beeps of machines. It was so depressing to me. I just wanted my baby & family home where we could be "normal".

At this low point  a friend of mine wrote this on my facebook:  "My grace is all you need, for my power is greatest when you are weak" II Corinthians 12:9a  Thank you Vickey because at that moment this is exactly what I needed.   I knew God would get us through & everything was going to be ok.